My To-Do List

I'm one of those weird people who loves a to-do list.

Well, let me clarify.  Lest my husband read this and come home with a to-do list for me.

I love to create my own to-do list.  It allows me to organize my thoughts.  It provides a visual aid of my progress.  And I get an immediate sense of accomplishment with each check mark applied.

Sometimes I am so desperate to feel I've been productive, that I will write a list of things I've already done, just so I can mark everything off.  (I know.  I'm a freak.)

So, you might see where I'm going with this...

I've created a to-do list for my Journey to a Better Me.  More specifically, these are the areas of my life which "need improvement", and the steps I plan to take to accomplish betterness (I know.  It's still not a word, but I like it.)

My Relationship with Jesus

• Pray before starting my day.
• Engage in quiet time on a daily basis.
• Listen to God-centered music.
• Don't miss church.
• Pray more when I am alone.
• Memorize scripture.
• Pray as my day is ending.

Better Health

• Remember to take my medicine EVERYDAY.
• Take necessary vitamins as directed.
• Eat breakfast.
• Stop drinking Dr. Pepper and other soft drinks.
• Drink more water.
• Eat out less.
• Prepare healthy meals.
• Engage in physical activity on a daily basis.

Better Housekeeping

• Develop a cleaning schedule.
• Assign chores.
• Create chore checklists (for boys).

Productivity

• Set alarm clock.
• Limit television viewing.
• Spend more time at home.

I'm sure I'll add more to this list as I continue this adventure.  For now, I have an idea of where to begin.  

Phil 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

My name is Marci. I am a perfectionist.

My name is Marci.  I am a perfectionist.

I have always been this way.  Wanting everything in it's place - all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed - everything to run smoothly - everyone to be happy.  When everything is not perfect, I take full responsibility.  I then evaluate the situation to determine what needs to be done in order for things to be perfect.  And I go about trying to make it so.

My mom called me yesterday wanting to know who had gotten in my head and convinced myself that I am a loser.  I told her that I don't think I am a loser (not everyday).  I just want my house to be in order.  I want my time to be well managed.  I want my finances to be secure.  I want husband to be content.  I want my children to be satisfied.  I want to wake up in the morning feeling good.  I just want things to be perfect.

She reminded me that there is only person who has ever walked this earth in perfection.

This helped me to realize that every time I've tried to improve myself in the past, my goal has been perfection.  And that is why I have always failed.  Perfection is an unattainable goal.

This time, I will go about it differently.

I've given myself a report card for my life, and many areas are marked "needs improvement".  So that is my goal - to improve.

Please know I am not unhappy with my life.  I am so blessed.  My life is good.  But I know I can be better.  That's what this journey is about.

It's not about achieving perfection.  My goal is not to be the best.  I just want to be better.

To God be the glory!

Phil 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The long road ahead

It's been a few days now since my "three days of pep talks".  I probably should have continued that trend of positive reinforcement because the last three days I've woken up in a really bad mood.  Mostly because I'm not a very patient person.  Accepting that this is a LONG journey to betterness (I know that's not a real word, but I'm using it anyway.  It's perfect for what I'm trying to do here.  And I'm still in a bad mood, so don't mess with me), is hard for me.

When I decide to make a change in any area of my life, I do it immediately.  For example, we recently decided to allow my sons to have their own rooms.  This required selling my husband's pool table.  Moving our homeschool room from a bedroom to our family room.  Taking apart the bunk beds.  Sorting out the toys.  And much, much more.  Within two days, my homeschool room was successfully relocated and my boys were sleeping in separate rooms.

As I said, when I decide to make a change, I do it immediately.

If I decide to rearrange my living room, I don't wait for my husband to get home to help me move our insanely heavy couch.  I use these hips God blessed me with, and I move that couch myself.

If I decide I'm going to make chicken pie for supper tonight, but I don't have any self-rising flour, then I'm going to leave for the store right then to buy some self-rising flour.

I wish this whole "becoming a better me" were that easy.  I wish I could use these hips to force the old me out and push the new me in.  Or go to the store and purchase an updated version of myself.  Unfortunately, it's not that simple.  This is going to take FOREVER!

This is the point in which I would have abandoned ship in the past. Just given up and said it's too hard.  Or it's not worth it.

But not this time.  I know better.  It's so incredibly hard, but it will be so worth it too.

Despite the long road ahead, I have already experienced some small successes.  Today I'm choosing to focus on those.

I'll share them with you later this week.

Until then, thank you for your encouraging words and prayers on my behalf.  May God bless you always.

Hugs & Smileys!


Phil 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Another Pep Talk

As I pushed "publish" on yesterday's post, my husband walked through the front door.  His first words to me were, "So how long is this health kick going to last?  A week?"

I had JUST published a blog post on how comforting it was to have support in my "better me" journey, and this is what he says to me?

In his defense, I have not emailed him my most recent blogging entries.  So he had no idea of my newfound resolve to try again nor of my intention to not fail this time.

Explanation:  My husband loves me, but he hates this blog.  He does not understand why I would expose my weaknesses or give with the world insight into my vulnerabilities.  He fears it creates opportunity for unnecessary criticism.  

Little does he know, he was the first to speak out against me.  Or was he?

No, in fact, he wasn't.  The first person to negate my hopeful attitude lives inside my head.  As soon as I put myself out there, committing to make these changes in my life, she started to wonder if I can really do this.  She reminded me that I've failed so many times in the past.  And she almost immediately had no faith in what I can do.

Fortunately for me, I have supporters who speak louder than that voice in my head.  My friends and my family (Keith included, now that he knows I'm serious) believe in me.  More importantly, God is on my side, as He continually reminds me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13

I hope you're not getting tired of my self-inflicted pep talks.  I'm trying to overwhelm myself with positivity.  I plan to begin posting more useful information tomorrow.  :)

He who strengthens me..

I ended yesterday's post with the scripture from Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I did this because I know that as I try to improve the person I am today, I can only become that "better me" I long to be with the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Of course, it helps to have the support of family and friends.  My sister called me this morning in response to the negative comments I said about myself yesterday.  She told me I need to be more positive, and understand that I am not the only woman who suffers from feelings of inadequacy.  She was hoping to jump start my self-esteem.  And she did just that.  Thank you, Jennifer!  


I was brutally honest yesterday, hoping the revelation of my previously-private struggle might encourage others who suffer the same.  I didn't realize what a comfort it would be for them to admit those same feelings back to me.  But what a relief when I received an unexpected text from a friend who I never would have suspected to be fighting this same battle.  Her text reads, "...you know that blog post you just posted -- I am right there with you!..."  Hallelujah!  I am not alone!  Thank you, friend.  You know who you are!  ;)


Still the greatest confidence booster I received came as I was driving home alone last night.  I was reflecting back on the events of the day, focusing on my blog post, my decision to try again to help myself, my friend's text.  I thought about how I really don't want to fail this time.  So I prayed, "Dear God, please help me in this journey.  Let me never forget You are here with me."  Within seconds "Waiting for Tomorrow" by Mandisa, began playing via K-LOVE on my radio.

The chorus says,

"Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow"

I believe God used this song to remind me that He is my biggest cheerleader.  He knows I want to make some changes in my life that will make me a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better person.  I believe He's telling me this is MY time.  Don't wait.  Let the journey begin.

I want what is best for me. God wants what is best for me.  Knowing we are on the same page... it makes the journey much less scary, and a lot more appealing.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 
Click on the link below to hear Mandisa's song - Waiting for Tomorrow
http://www.myspace.com/mandisa/music/songs/waiting-for-tomorrow-80576508




"Waiting For Tomorrow"

Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same things yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let you in
To let you win
To let you have all of me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

Maybe today I'll start believing
That you're mercy is really
As real as you say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me, you're changing me
Jesus take everything

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

Oh, I'm makin this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down to save me You saved me
And I'm makin this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down to save me You saved me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow

Better me, here I come

There are so many journeys I would like to embark upon in this life.  A journey to Jesus, in which I might walk closer to Him.  A journey to better health, in which I wake up feeling good every morning.  A journey to inner peace, in which I am able to let go of all the turmoil that dwells deep inside me.

When I look closely at what each journey entails, I realize they are not three separate journeys with three separate outcomes.  They are all the same journey, with the same outcome...  a journey to a better me.

Right now I am not a fan of the person I see looking back at me in the mirror.  She seems so weak.  She gives up so easily.  Some days I even I hate her.  She's such a loser.  As I remind myself that person is me, I become disappointed in many qualities of who I am, and what I continually find myself unable to do.

I have started this journey so many times in the past.  And I have failed every time.  Why?  Lots of reasons.  Time, or lack thereof.  Priority, or lack thereof.  Motivation, or lack thereof.

I realize the key to my success is self-discipline.  I have my list of things I need to do to make this journey a reality.  Now if I would just stick to it.  In the famous words of Nike, Just Do It!

Why am I telling you this?  Why am I putting myself out there like this?

I guess I'm hoping for two things.

#1 - All of you who think I have it so "together" will realize I am not perfect.  Perhaps you will find comfort in knowing I have struggles of my own.

#2 - Knowing that you know I am struggling with this, will motivate me to do better than I've done in the past.

Maybe you are struggling too.  I invite you to go on this journey with me.  My plan is to blog about every aspect of this journey ~ what I plan to pack, how I plan to get there, what stops are involved along the way (all figuratively speaking).  Prayerfully, this will keep me accountable not only to God, and to myself, but also to you.

So, here I go.  Let the journey begin.  Better me, here I come.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

When I was a little girl, my heart craved to have time alone with my parents.  As one of five children, this was not a common occurrence.  When I was a teenager, my heart was happy when I was with my friends.  They seemed to be the only ones who understood me at that age.  In my early twenties, my heart was overflowing with love for my husband, Keith Bray.  We were young and in love and destined for lifelong happiness.  In my later twenties, my heart was wrapped around the fingers of my two little boys.  Who knew having babies changes EVERYTHING. 

I've been married for 14 years.  My boys are ages 9 and 7.  I am still so incredibly in love with my husband Keith, and I am still wrapped around the fingers of my precious boys, who are not so little anymore. 

But now, at the age of 35, my heart wants what it cannot have...   another baby.

I wish I could let this go.  Believe me, I have desperately tried to let this go.  There are times when I've thought I had let it go, but then I hold someone else's baby, see an ultrasound picture, observe a baby bump, hear a pregnancy conversation...  The longing returns, usually followed by a few weeks of a hidden, deep, dark depression.  That's where I've been the last few weeks - in a dark place. 

I spent the first week of April in Kentucky, helping my best friend as she welcomed her brand new baby girl.  I am overjoyed for her, especially as this baby was preceded by some heartbreaking disappointments.  While I was up there, I was so happy to be a part of this baby's first days.  I have no regrets about going.  The hard part was leaving.  I had to do it quickly and not linger, as I'd done a fairly awesome job of pretending I was okay with the fact that she has a third child, and I never will.

But then I had the 8 hour drive home.  My still-precious cargo of two handsome boys played quietly in the back seat.  It gave me too much time to think about those ten little fingers, ten little toes, beautiful eyes, soft hair and that new baby smell.  If I'm logical, I understand why this can't be mine.  But I'm not always logical.  I've not been logical for the past two weeks.

This past weekend I finally reached the point where I could hardly get of bed (again) because I was so overcome with the grief of what I can't have.  I finally cried until I could cry no more (again).  I finally got on my knees and prayed for comfort (again).  I finally gave it to God (again).  I finally opened my Bible and let Him speak to me (again).  I say "again" because God and I have had this exact conversation so many times over the last six years.  I don't know why I hold onto the grief for so long every time.  But in the end, I always ask Him to save me from myself.  He's the only one who can.  And thankfully, He always does.

Today I am logical. Today I am in my happy place. Praise be to God.



Still, the heart wants what the heart wants.  My heart wants another baby.  I doubt that desire will ever go away.  So I know that everytime I go back to that dark place, there is only One who can and will pull me out.  I'm so thankful He is a patient and loving God.  Glory to His name.