Usually when I am in the midst of a nightmare, the instant I come to the realization that it is in fact a nightmare, I wake up. That was not the case last night, which made it by far the scariest dream I've ever had.
As the nightmare begins, I am at a fundraiser. I don't know what the fundraiser is for, or what my purpose there is, or how I even know it was a fundraiser, but I am at a fundraiser. I am in a state of shock because I've just been told that my husband has been killed in a car accident. I am looking around the room seeing people who I recognize (high school friends, Stampin' Up! customers, people from church), and I'm wondering if I should tell anyone. If I do tell anyone, who should I tell first?
Then I notice these two boys running around chasing each other, laughing and having so much fun. I realize these are my boys. The children my husband and I brought into this world. The products of our love. And I begin to feel a pain in my chest, like a hole in my heart. How do I tell them they will never see their father again?
The reality of the situation starts to set in, and I know that I have got to get out of this place. I grab their hands and try not to let them see that I am upset. I tell a friend from high school that I have to go, and I wonder if she has heard the news that has suddenly destroyed my life.
I step out of the building onto a busy street, and it hits me. This is just a dream. Wake up...
Wake up...
Why am I not waking up?!
Oh no! It must not be a dream. This is a nightmare. This is my worst nightmare.
At that moment, my pulse begins racing, and I feel a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. My chest hurts. I am having a panic attack. How can I not panic when I've just lost the only man I've ever loved? How do I live without him?
A million thoughts begin to run through my mind.
"I need to call my mom."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know what to do."
"How did I get here?"
"We talked about this. What did he tell me I should do?"
"I don't know what to do."
"What did he tell me I should do?
"I need to call my mom."
I look around, seriously trying to remember how we got to this place where the fundraiser is being held, because if I can't remember that, then how will we get back home.
My boys are smiling at each other, saying funny things to make the other one laugh.
I tell myself again to wake up. This is just a dream. If this were a dream, I would wake up. But I'm not waking up, so it hits me again that this is real.
Oh my God. He's really dead.
Then my eyes opened, and I found myself lying in our bed. My heart was racing, and I was in the midst of a real panic attack. I looked to my left, and was so relieved to find my high school sweetheart sleeping beside me. He's alive! Oh thank God.
It was just a horrible, horrible nightmare - the worst nightmare I've ever had.
I rolled over close to him and forced myself into his arms. I laid my head on his chest, and I cried and cried and cried. He didn't have to ask what my nightmare was. I think he could tell by the way I clung to him.
