Monday, April 23, 2012

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

When I was a little girl, my heart craved to have time alone with my parents.  As one of five children, this was not a common occurrence.  When I was a teenager, my heart was happy when I was with my friends.  They seemed to be the only ones who understood me at that age.  In my early twenties, my heart was overflowing with love for my husband, Keith Bray.  We were young and in love and destined for lifelong happiness.  In my later twenties, my heart was wrapped around the fingers of my two little boys.  Who knew having babies changes EVERYTHING. 

I've been married for 14 years.  My boys are ages 9 and 7.  I am still so incredibly in love with my husband Keith, and I am still wrapped around the fingers of my precious boys, who are not so little anymore. 

But now, at the age of 35, my heart wants what it cannot have...   another baby.

I wish I could let this go.  Believe me, I have desperately tried to let this go.  There are times when I've thought I had let it go, but then I hold someone else's baby, see an ultrasound picture, observe a baby bump, hear a pregnancy conversation...  The longing returns, usually followed by a few weeks of a hidden, deep, dark depression.  That's where I've been the last few weeks - in a dark place. 

I spent the first week of April in Kentucky, helping my best friend as she welcomed her brand new baby girl.  I am overjoyed for her, especially as this baby was preceded by some heartbreaking disappointments.  While I was up there, I was so happy to be a part of this baby's first days.  I have no regrets about going.  The hard part was leaving.  I had to do it quickly and not linger, as I'd done a fairly awesome job of pretending I was okay with the fact that she has a third child, and I never will.

But then I had the 8 hour drive home.  My still-precious cargo of two handsome boys played quietly in the back seat.  It gave me too much time to think about those ten little fingers, ten little toes, beautiful eyes, soft hair and that new baby smell.  If I'm logical, I understand why this can't be mine.  But I'm not always logical.  I've not been logical for the past two weeks.

This past weekend I finally reached the point where I could hardly get of bed (again) because I was so overcome with the grief of what I can't have.  I finally cried until I could cry no more (again).  I finally got on my knees and prayed for comfort (again).  I finally gave it to God (again).  I finally opened my Bible and let Him speak to me (again).  I say "again" because God and I have had this exact conversation so many times over the last six years.  I don't know why I hold onto the grief for so long every time.  But in the end, I always ask Him to save me from myself.  He's the only one who can.  And thankfully, He always does.

Today I am logical. Today I am in my happy place. Praise be to God.

Still, the heart wants what the heart wants.  My heart wants another baby.  I doubt that desire will ever go away.  So I know that everytime I go back to that dark place, there is only One who can and will pull me out.  I'm so thankful He is a patient and loving God.  Glory to His name.