The long road ahead

It's been a few days now since my "three days of pep talks".  I probably should have continued that trend of positive reinforcement because the last three days I've woken up in a really bad mood.  Mostly because I'm not a very patient person.  Accepting that this is a LONG journey to betterness (I know that's not a real word, but I'm using it anyway.  It's perfect for what I'm trying to do here.  And I'm still in a bad mood, so don't mess with me), is hard for me.

When I decide to make a change in any area of my life, I do it immediately.  For example, we recently decided to allow my sons to have their own rooms.  This required selling my husband's pool table.  Moving our homeschool room from a bedroom to our family room.  Taking apart the bunk beds.  Sorting out the toys.  And much, much more.  Within two days, my homeschool room was successfully relocated and my boys were sleeping in separate rooms.

As I said, when I decide to make a change, I do it immediately.

If I decide to rearrange my living room, I don't wait for my husband to get home to help me move our insanely heavy couch.  I use these hips God blessed me with, and I move that couch myself.

If I decide I'm going to make chicken pie for supper tonight, but I don't have any self-rising flour, then I'm going to leave for the store right then to buy some self-rising flour.

I wish this whole "becoming a better me" were that easy.  I wish I could use these hips to force the old me out and push the new me in.  Or go to the store and purchase an updated version of myself.  Unfortunately, it's not that simple.  This is going to take FOREVER!

This is the point in which I would have abandoned ship in the past. Just given up and said it's too hard.  Or it's not worth it.

But not this time.  I know better.  It's so incredibly hard, but it will be so worth it too.

Despite the long road ahead, I have already experienced some small successes.  Today I'm choosing to focus on those.

I'll share them with you later this week.

Until then, thank you for your encouraging words and prayers on my behalf.  May God bless you always.

Hugs & Smileys!


Phil 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Another Pep Talk

As I pushed "publish" on yesterday's post, my husband walked through the front door.  His first words to me were, "So how long is this health kick going to last?  A week?"

I had JUST published a blog post on how comforting it was to have support in my "better me" journey, and this is what he says to me?

In his defense, I have not emailed him my most recent blogging entries.  So he had no idea of my newfound resolve to try again nor of my intention to not fail this time.

Explanation:  My husband loves me, but he hates this blog.  He does not understand why I would expose my weaknesses or give with the world insight into my vulnerabilities.  He fears it creates opportunity for unnecessary criticism.  

Little does he know, he was the first to speak out against me.  Or was he?

No, in fact, he wasn't.  The first person to negate my hopeful attitude lives inside my head.  As soon as I put myself out there, committing to make these changes in my life, she started to wonder if I can really do this.  She reminded me that I've failed so many times in the past.  And she almost immediately had no faith in what I can do.

Fortunately for me, I have supporters who speak louder than that voice in my head.  My friends and my family (Keith included, now that he knows I'm serious) believe in me.  More importantly, God is on my side, as He continually reminds me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13

I hope you're not getting tired of my self-inflicted pep talks.  I'm trying to overwhelm myself with positivity.  I plan to begin posting more useful information tomorrow.  :)

He who strengthens me..

I ended yesterday's post with the scripture from Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I did this because I know that as I try to improve the person I am today, I can only become that "better me" I long to be with the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Of course, it helps to have the support of family and friends.  My sister called me this morning in response to the negative comments I said about myself yesterday.  She told me I need to be more positive, and understand that I am not the only woman who suffers from feelings of inadequacy.  She was hoping to jump start my self-esteem.  And she did just that.  Thank you, Jennifer!  


I was brutally honest yesterday, hoping the revelation of my previously-private struggle might encourage others who suffer the same.  I didn't realize what a comfort it would be for them to admit those same feelings back to me.  But what a relief when I received an unexpected text from a friend who I never would have suspected to be fighting this same battle.  Her text reads, "...you know that blog post you just posted -- I am right there with you!..."  Hallelujah!  I am not alone!  Thank you, friend.  You know who you are!  ;)


Still the greatest confidence booster I received came as I was driving home alone last night.  I was reflecting back on the events of the day, focusing on my blog post, my decision to try again to help myself, my friend's text.  I thought about how I really don't want to fail this time.  So I prayed, "Dear God, please help me in this journey.  Let me never forget You are here with me."  Within seconds "Waiting for Tomorrow" by Mandisa, began playing via K-LOVE on my radio.

The chorus says,

"Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow"

I believe God used this song to remind me that He is my biggest cheerleader.  He knows I want to make some changes in my life that will make me a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better person.  I believe He's telling me this is MY time.  Don't wait.  Let the journey begin.

I want what is best for me. God wants what is best for me.  Knowing we are on the same page... it makes the journey much less scary, and a lot more appealing.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

 
Click on the link below to hear Mandisa's song - Waiting for Tomorrow
http://www.myspace.com/mandisa/music/songs/waiting-for-tomorrow-80576508




"Waiting For Tomorrow"

Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same things yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let you in
To let you win
To let you have all of me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

Maybe today I'll start believing
That you're mercy is really
As real as you say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me, you're changing me
Jesus take everything

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

Oh, I'm makin this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down to save me You saved me
And I'm makin this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down to save me You saved me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made me for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better

Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow

I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow

Better me, here I come

There are so many journeys I would like to embark upon in this life.  A journey to Jesus, in which I might walk closer to Him.  A journey to better health, in which I wake up feeling good every morning.  A journey to inner peace, in which I am able to let go of all the turmoil that dwells deep inside me.

When I look closely at what each journey entails, I realize they are not three separate journeys with three separate outcomes.  They are all the same journey, with the same outcome...  a journey to a better me.

Right now I am not a fan of the person I see looking back at me in the mirror.  She seems so weak.  She gives up so easily.  Some days I even I hate her.  She's such a loser.  As I remind myself that person is me, I become disappointed in many qualities of who I am, and what I continually find myself unable to do.

I have started this journey so many times in the past.  And I have failed every time.  Why?  Lots of reasons.  Time, or lack thereof.  Priority, or lack thereof.  Motivation, or lack thereof.

I realize the key to my success is self-discipline.  I have my list of things I need to do to make this journey a reality.  Now if I would just stick to it.  In the famous words of Nike, Just Do It!

Why am I telling you this?  Why am I putting myself out there like this?

I guess I'm hoping for two things.

#1 - All of you who think I have it so "together" will realize I am not perfect.  Perhaps you will find comfort in knowing I have struggles of my own.

#2 - Knowing that you know I am struggling with this, will motivate me to do better than I've done in the past.

Maybe you are struggling too.  I invite you to go on this journey with me.  My plan is to blog about every aspect of this journey ~ what I plan to pack, how I plan to get there, what stops are involved along the way (all figuratively speaking).  Prayerfully, this will keep me accountable not only to God, and to myself, but also to you.

So, here I go.  Let the journey begin.  Better me, here I come.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

When I was a little girl, my heart craved to have time alone with my parents.  As one of five children, this was not a common occurrence.  When I was a teenager, my heart was happy when I was with my friends.  They seemed to be the only ones who understood me at that age.  In my early twenties, my heart was overflowing with love for my husband, Keith Bray.  We were young and in love and destined for lifelong happiness.  In my later twenties, my heart was wrapped around the fingers of my two little boys.  Who knew having babies changes EVERYTHING. 

I've been married for 14 years.  My boys are ages 9 and 7.  I am still so incredibly in love with my husband Keith, and I am still wrapped around the fingers of my precious boys, who are not so little anymore. 

But now, at the age of 35, my heart wants what it cannot have...   another baby.

I wish I could let this go.  Believe me, I have desperately tried to let this go.  There are times when I've thought I had let it go, but then I hold someone else's baby, see an ultrasound picture, observe a baby bump, hear a pregnancy conversation...  The longing returns, usually followed by a few weeks of a hidden, deep, dark depression.  That's where I've been the last few weeks - in a dark place. 

I spent the first week of April in Kentucky, helping my best friend as she welcomed her brand new baby girl.  I am overjoyed for her, especially as this baby was preceded by some heartbreaking disappointments.  While I was up there, I was so happy to be a part of this baby's first days.  I have no regrets about going.  The hard part was leaving.  I had to do it quickly and not linger, as I'd done a fairly awesome job of pretending I was okay with the fact that she has a third child, and I never will.

But then I had the 8 hour drive home.  My still-precious cargo of two handsome boys played quietly in the back seat.  It gave me too much time to think about those ten little fingers, ten little toes, beautiful eyes, soft hair and that new baby smell.  If I'm logical, I understand why this can't be mine.  But I'm not always logical.  I've not been logical for the past two weeks.

This past weekend I finally reached the point where I could hardly get of bed (again) because I was so overcome with the grief of what I can't have.  I finally cried until I could cry no more (again).  I finally got on my knees and prayed for comfort (again).  I finally gave it to God (again).  I finally opened my Bible and let Him speak to me (again).  I say "again" because God and I have had this exact conversation so many times over the last six years.  I don't know why I hold onto the grief for so long every time.  But in the end, I always ask Him to save me from myself.  He's the only one who can.  And thankfully, He always does.

Today I am logical. Today I am in my happy place. Praise be to God.



Still, the heart wants what the heart wants.  My heart wants another baby.  I doubt that desire will ever go away.  So I know that everytime I go back to that dark place, there is only One who can and will pull me out.  I'm so thankful He is a patient and loving God.  Glory to His name.

Evil Electronics

There were five kids in my house growing up.  We did not have a nintendo, and my dad swore we never would.  I always assumed it was because my parents couldn't afford to spoil us with luxury electronic items.  Now, as a parent, I understand why he forbade electronic games.  It's because they are evil. 

I was reminded of this as my two boys and I ate lunch with a friend today, along with her two boys.  One of her sons brought along his Nintendo DS.  My children do not own a DS.  Not because we can't afford one. It's because I don't like who they become when in the presence of these games.  One second they are my sweet, obedient, thoughtful children.  As soon as the evil DS is introduced, they become selfish, whiney little brats who do not hear a word I am saying.  It is infuriating!

At lunch today, my youngest son fell under the spell of his friend's DS.  He was almost in tears when he was forced to put the game away so he could actually eat his food.  He wolfed down his hot dog in record time, and pushed away his fries, thinking he would then be able to continue his game.  He was literally broken-hearted when I told him that was not the case.  I made him finish his meal.  Of course, then all the other boys wanted a turn at playing.  So he sulked while impatiently waiting to play again.  When it came his turn, it was time to go.  He didn't get to play again.  So I am now officially the worst mother in the world.  All because of a stupid game.

They do get this obsession honestly.  I wanted so much to enforce the "no-electronic-games rule" as my father did.  BUT I gave in to allowing a Wii in our house.  Not simply to pacify my children, but moreso to spoil my husband.  Unlike me, he grew up playing the Nintendo.  So I knew he would LOVE the Wii.  We've had the game system for two years.  Our house has never been the same.  That evil Wii is a prominient source of my frazzled nerves.  First thing in the morning, it's "Mommy, can we play the Wii?"  After lunch, it's "Mommy, can we play the Wii?"  As soon as Keith gets home, "Mommy, can we play the Wii with Daddy?"  Then when they are given permission to play, they get so worked up over winning and losing, that I can't stand to be in the same room.  All three of them, my husband included, yell at the television, complaining about what went wrong during the game. 

So...  I finally figured out a way to overcome the evil electronics.  Ha! Ha! Ha! 

I suggested my husband and children fast from the Wii during Lent, except for on weekends.  This would be a huge sacrifice on their part, and it would bring me such joy to not have to hear about the Wii every waking minute of every day.  Surprisingly, they took me up on it.  One week in, I've convinced myself that I am a genius.  Score one for Mommy!  If I'd only thought of it before...   

Of course, my husband then insisted that he choose what I fast from during Lent.  He first said Dr. Pepper, which I adamantly refused.  I knew what the next suggestion would be, and I knew it would be equivalent to what they've agreed to give up.  So, starting last Wednesday, for the next forty days, I will not be watching The Young and the Restless.  Score one for Keith...  :p

The One You've Been Waiting For...

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, I'm sure you have been wondering how long it would take me to turn our December emergency-room trip with Camden into a blog post.  It was a very emotional and heartwrenching and vulnerable night for my husband and I.  I've written about it a million times in my mind.  Words that I'm certain would bring you to tears.  BUT Keith asked me to keep the details just between us.  What we experienced when faced with the possibility of losing something so precious to us both should not be posted for all the world to see. 

HOWEVER, writing is therapy for me.  So not being able to write about this monumental event has been only making it a bigger deal in my mind.  I've been struggling for about a month now with how to keep my promise to my husband, yet still be able to talk through what I have been going through as a result of that night.  The answer came to me this morning, after watching a broadcast of Dr. Charles Stanley, and after chatting with a childhood friend who recently lost her grandmother.

It's all about faith...

Years ago, my best friend called to tell me they had recently discovered that her daughter has peanut allergies.  I remember thinking, "Oh, I cannot imagine.  If my child had an allergy like that, I would live in a constant state of panic."  A few months later, we had the same discovery about our youngest child, Camden.  He was 22 months old, and decided to take a few bites of his brother's peanut-buttered toast.  I didn't see it happen, but I heard the coughing, and he started crying immediately.  When I got to him, only seconds after those dreadful bites, his face was all splotchy and welped around his mouth, and he was scratching at his neck, and screaming uncontrollably.  Thankfully, his breathing was never impaired.  After some blood tests and allergy tests, it was determined he is in fact not only allergic to peanuts and peanut butter, but he is also allergic to every single tree nut, including pecans, walnuts, macadamias, almonds, etc.

Shortly after that, I really did start suffering from panic attacks.  I truly was in a constant state of panic, worrying about everything he ate, every place we ate, who fed him.  Although, the tests revealed his allergies were not life-threatening, I was told that at any moment they could be.  So I believed his life was literally in my hands. 

Over the next few years, there were a few incidents where he came mighty close to eating something he shouldn't, but thankfully, he faired well.  At the age of 5, he was to be tested again to determine if he had outgrown his allergic reaction to nuts.  He had not.  In fact, his allergies actually became worse, and are now classified as severe.

Camden went the next two years without incident.  I was beginning to feel more confident in my ability to handle his allergies.  But in the last five months, he has come into contact with those forbidden nuts three times.  All three times, I was in the room next door.  The third time, we wound up in the emergency room where he had to be given steroids to counteract his body's reaction. 

Since that night, I've maintained my composure on the outside.  But on the inside, I have been beating myself up.  I can't believe I let this happen.  What kind of mother am I?  He could have died.  He could have died.  That's all I keep hearing.  He could have died.  I don't like who I am when I have this inner dialogue.  I become almost immobile, feeling such self-doubt and unworthiness that I can barely crawl out of bed.  I've been praying for a release from this bondage.  I am so thankful that God has heard and answered my prayer.  Read on, as I tell you how...

A friend of mine whom I grew up with, lost her grandmother just before Christmas.  She shared her experience with me last week. She was with her grandmother when she left this world.  She told me that while watching her grandmother stuggle in pain the last hours of her life, she wondered why God would allow her to suffer on.  While she knew this woman who she dearly loved was in such obvious pain, my friend did not curse God or doubt God.  She actually tried to wrap her brain around what good could come of it.  She found her answer moments later.  But that's a whole other story. 

As I listened to Dr. Charles Stanley teach about faith this morning, I began to see the good that could come from Camden's allergies.  While I have prayed to God almost daily that He would heal Camden of his allergies, I have not asked myself why He has chosen not to do so.  What purpose would these allergies serve?  What good could come from Camden's allergies?  The answer is "faith". 

Mark 4:35-40 reads,

And the same day, when the even was come, He saith unto them, "Let us pass over unto the other side."  And when they had sent away the multitude, they took Him even as he was in the ship.  And there also with Him other little ships.  And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.  And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow:  and they awake Him, and say unto Him, "Master, carest Thou not that we perish?"  And he arose and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, "Peace, be still."  And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.  And He said unto them, "Why are ye so fearful?  how is it that ye have no faith?"

I wonder, as I worried about every little thing Camden ate, if God said, "Why are ye so fearful?  how is it that ye have no faith?"  I wonder, as Camden lied there in that hospital bed, and I prayed so desperately for him to be okay, if God said, "Why are ye so fearful?  how is it that ye have no faith?"  I wonder, as I cried myself to sleep, thinking what an awful mother I am, if God said, "Why are ye so fearful?  how is it that ye have no faith?"

My faith has been in myself, and in my ability to care for Camden and keep him alive.  No wonder he ended up in the hospital. 

I repeat what I wrote last August.  If Camden has taught me anything in these seven years I've shared with him so far, it's that ~ if it were only up to me to keep this child alive, I would have failed him so many times. What joy and relief I feel to know that it's not only up to me.

My faith is in the Lord.