Shame on Me

My mind had been racing since my husband and I sat down to reconfigure our monthly budget last night.  I will soon be quitting my job, thereby allowing me to fully focus on homeschooling our two boys.  So we are trying to decide how to adjust to that loss of income. 

As we looked at each line-item in our budget, I became more and more anxious.  How are we going to do this?!  We cut from our grocery line, planning to utilize coupons and take advantage of weekly sales.  We cut from our medical line.  We rarely have to use it, and prayerfully we won't need it now.  Still, we had a significant amount of money that still needed to be cut.  My heart sank as I realized the exact line item it would have to come from - my spending money for the boys and me :( 

I cried on the inside.  You see, schooling at home, while so incredibly rewarding, can also be suffocating at times.  There are several days when I feel like we just have to get out of the house.  Of course, this costs money, not only for food and entertainment, but also in gas.  The realization that we simply won't be able to go out just anytime we want to was terrifying to me.  But it is what it is... 

I couldn't sleep at all last night.  (For the record, I don't recommend talking finances with your husband just before bed.)  I began wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  (I always second-guess myself.)  Despite the fact that I have been wanting to quit my job pretty much since I started it a year ago, I began to wonder.   Maybe I shouldn't quit my job. 

When I got up this morning, I was still a bit overwhelmed by the reality of our financial situation.  I felt anxious and unsure.  As a dear friend reminded me just yesterday, where can I go but to the Lord.  So I sat on my bed and reached for my Bible.  I guess, due to lack of sleep, I forgot today is Wednesday.  I opened my Bible to Tuesday's devotion, which I had neglected to read yesterday. 

The passage came from Exodus 13 - 14, when the Israelites had been given permission to finally leave their lives of slavery in Egypt and were fleeing toward the Red Sea.  Ironically, my friend with whom I enjoyed a four-hour breakfast yesterday had just spoken to me about this passage.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I read on and was reminded how the Israelites complained to Moses when all they saw was water in front of them and angry Egyptians behind them.  They wondered why they had been freed from slavery only to die in the desert.  As certain death stared them in the eyes, they began to think their lives as slaves wasn't so bad afterall.  At least they had food and water.  At least they weren't about to die.

I thought about how this scripture applies to my current situation.  I spent the last six months trying to convince my husband to give his blessing for me to quit my stressful part-time job.  Homeschooling and working part-time, while also being the homemaker, was just too much for me.  I have been praying and praying that God would release me from this heavy burden.  And about a month ago, that prayer was answered.  The stress of my workload took a toll on my body, and I wound up in the hospital having a tube run down my throat, only to find out what we already knew.  I was totally stressed out, and I simply could not handle it.  So Keith decided it was time for me to quit my job.  Woohoo!!!!

Just as I'm sure the Israelites were overjoyed to soon be out of Egypt, I was overjoyed to soon be done with my job.  THEN just as the Israelites became frightened as they realized what lay ahead of them - the Red Sea, I became frightened of what lies ahead of me - less financial security.  I began to rethink this whole job-quitting thing.  Maybe it wasn't so bad afterall.  At least I could come and go as I please.  At least I didn't have to think about every dollar I spent.

Even though God was a big enough God to save the Israelites from what the enslaved lives they'd been praying He would save them from, they still considered going back to that life, rather than trusting God as the Red Sea loomed ahead. 

Even though God was a big enough God to save me from this job I've been praying He would save me from, I still wondered if I should reconsider quitting, rather than trusting Him as I face financial change.

Exodus 14:21-22 says, "And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and waters were divided.  And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground: and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left."

I can only imagine what the Israelites were thinking as they walked between those walls of water - blatant evidence of God's almight power.  Surely they were ashamed at their lack of faith and trust in Him. 

I have yet to see how God will carry us through this next year, but I am certain that He will.  And as I walk on dry ground, I am certain that I too will be ashamed that I ever feared what might lie ahead.