I took a long hard look into a mirror that shows my outer and my inner self, and I don't like what I see. The first thing I notice is my dramatic weight gain over the last few months. The second is the lack of sparkle in my eye and the forced smile upon my face. The third is the flood of tears constantly ready to flow freely from my eyes. I realized that while I enjoy my life, I am not happy with myself. Why am I not happy?
Maybe it's the fact that I never really lost all the baby weight I put on six years ago, and I can no longer use recent childbirth as an excuse. Maybe it's the fact that my house is rarely as clean and organized as I would like. Maybe it's the fact that I have all these great ideas of various projects I would like to do with my children, but I never seem to find the time to do them. Maybe it's the fact that my husband is so overwhelmed with his work responsibilities that he rarely comes home in a relaxed, uplifting mood. Maybe it's the fact that I live in Denton, and let's face it, there's not much to do in Denton. Maybe it's the fact that I know my parents are getting older and I worry about their health and finances. Maybe it's the fact that my brother is currently serving in Iraq and when he comes home, the military has politely told him that his job is not longer available.
If I am honest with myself, I think the reason that I am not happy is because I have spent my entire life trying to please those around me, but I've never really taken the time to understand what truly pleases me.
I spent my entire high school career trying to do what I thought would make my parents happy ~ graduate first in my class. I spent my college career doing what I thought would make my boyfriend/future husband happy ~ just graduate and find a job. I spent my first five years of marriage doing what I thought would make my husband happy ~ working a part-time job, while keeping the house orderly and having supper on the table every night. I have spent the last seven years doing what I hope will make my children happy ~ pretty much whatever they need for me to do.
Please note, I am not complaining about this. As I said earlier, I have enjoyed my life. And I am not blaming my parents, my husband or my children for my current state of mind. I am not even blaming myself. I've done nothing wrong. But now that I'm beginning to realize what I want, and what I believe will make me happy, I am eager to do these things.
I want to stay-at-home, and take care of my family.
I want to focus on my kids, not my house.
I want to take care of my body.
I want to exercise.
I want to have creative freedom in my home.
I want to spend time with my family and my friends.
I want to go out on a date with my husband.
I want to go out with the girls.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
I want to stop worrying about what everyone thinks.
I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.
So that's my New Year's Resolution. Instead of spending this year doing what I think will make others happy, I am going to spend this year doing what pleases me. Hopefully, my family and friends will still like me.
4 comments:
What a heartfelt post. What you wrote is nearly identical to how I feel too....so you're not alone.
First of all there's nothing wrong with you. You're a beautiful young woman ( I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother) and don't let anyone tell you anything different. Baby fat is hard to get rid of, believe me, I've been trying for 28 years. I don't like what I see in the mirror either, but your father says that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and he's beholding to me. LOL.
You've also lost your thyroid, didn't you say that had an effect on weight? People seem to forget that being a wife and mother, (not to mention all the other jobs we have) is a full-time job. I hate it when I hear some of my out-of-home friends tell me that I have so much more time than they do because I don't have a real job. Guess they don't know what a real job is. They think that just because we don't work outside the home, that we must just sit around doing nothing. WHATEVER!!! Personally, I think that stay at home mothers forget to do more then most of the men and women do.
I understand that you are worried about a lot of things and if I knew how to tell you to stop worrying, I would, but you know me, I'm the queen of worrying.
STOP trying to please everyone else. You need to make yourself happy, before you can make anyone else happy. (IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY, NOBODIES HAPPY)
Your father and I are very happy with you, and we're proud of all that you've done in you life. If other people make you feel any differently about your accompolishments, then they're just plan jealous that they haven't done as much as you have.
Make time to do all the projects with your boys, (they're only little for so long),it isn't your fault that Keith is so overwhelmed with his job, so stop thinking you can make it better, listen to him when he comes home (your father gets his work day off his chest when he comes home) then let it be done with. Don't worry so much about me and your father (LOL) you can't stop us from getting old and the other are just part of life. Jason will be home from Iraq before we know it (thank God), and I doubt he'll have a problem finding a job.
I guess I could go on and on, but then I won't get anything else done. Just know that your father and I love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!
Buffie ~ Thank you for your honesty. It's nice to know that I am not the only one fighting this battle.
Mama ~ Wow. I don't know what to say, except that what you said is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I love you!
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2010/01/10-best-links-of-2009.html
Neat links.
Hey Marci,
Nope. Not a related comment, but I don't have your email here at home.
Have a nice evening.
Anthony
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